Rough and Rocky vs. Steady and Sure

Why anyone would want to subject himself or herself to a roller coaster, I’m not sure.  It seems to defy all logic and reason but alas here I was this week on an unexpected exhilarating ride.  The dramatic extremes of the anxious climbs, an anticipatory rush, and the fear of the upcoming plunges initiated both great joy and intense heartbreak.  The triple twists made my stomach flip and the painful corkscrews made my eyes water a time or two.  Yes, this week I’ve been on a wide ride of a roller coaster and yet it was all taking place simply in the confines of my own heart.

So, as I bare my heart I ask for continued prayers.  For every challenge I’ve faced this week I’ve seen God faithfully demonstrate his goodness, kindness, and mercy.

Since Monday I’ve experienced excitement about a future possibility for our family and anxiousness about all the unknowns that are inevitable with change.  I’ve had a friend say some hurt-full things but have been able to see the Spirit move in my heart to help me to forgive quickly.  I injured my back and have been struggling with severe discomfort yet I have seen my husband take steps to love and serve me in ways I could not imagine.  Through phone calls I was glad to offer comfort to a family member who’s experiencing a hard time and to a friend who is battling to believe truth but I was left longing and wishing I could do more to help them both.  I’ve experienced the nervousness that naturally comes when close family member is about to undergo a very dangerous operation and the peace that comes with praying to a sovereign God who has the power over life and death.

Today, October 15^th, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  This is a day set aside to honor those who’ve struggled with the loss through a miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or the death of a newborn.  One of my most dear friends in the entire world texted me today to let me know this, and to let me know that she was thinking and praying for me.  For about the 10^th time this week (and, yes, I know it’s only Wednesday) I was moved to tears.  The chief reason was not because of our loss, but primarily because of her thoughtfulness.  What she did not know is that one year ago TODAY Josh and I had discovered that we were pregnant.  We had no clue what the next 12 months would look like.  Had we foreseen that 6 weeks later would we experience a miscarriage I would not be the woman that God has shaped me into. 

Josh recently taught on John 15 where Jesus says,  “I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit.”  I’m thankful that as one of His children I’m counted worthy to be pruned.  Of course, I don’t wish challenges upon myself, but I’m thankful that in the midst of pruning I am never separated from the True Vine (Jesus) and that the Vinedresser (God the Father) knows exactly what is best for me.  Jesus said in Matthew 22:37-39, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”    In addition, Andrew Murray states in his work Abide in Christ, “A fruit bearing tree lives not for itself, but wholly for those to whom its fruit brings refreshment and life.  And so the branch exists only and entirely for the sake of the fruit.  To make glad the heart of the (vinedresser) is its object, its safety, and its glory.” 

So, if I am letting these things penetrate my heart I can be thankful for a difficult week full of ups and downs because ultimately it’s not really about ME.  I can be joyful in the midst of minor pruning and even in the memories of painful close-to-the-vine kind of pruning.  Most importantly, I can say with confidence and joy that I am grateful for a God who is steady, reliable, and sure even in the midst of unpredictable circumstances, irrational pregnancy mood swings, and an all around “roller-coaster” of a week.

Thankful List ~ September

September 2014 Thankful List

Despite some circumstances that led to us getting less income this month the Lord provided a way for us to get both of our vehicles fixed! Our van needed new brakes (and unexpectantly new rotors), the car needed a couple tires, and both were overdue for an oil change. One of the days that Josh had off he was able to make multiple trip to the mechanic to take care of all of this. I’m so thankful for my husband!

Addilyn started soccer for the first time. She has been doing great. She listens well to her coach and she is learning lots of basic techniques like dribbling, trapping, and proper foot techniques for different kinds of kicks. I love watching her and I’m so thankful for her coach because I seriously know nothing about soccer!

Classical Conversations (homeschool) has been going very well. I am continually amazed at how much the kids are learning and retaining (even Josiah). We took a few field trips this month, which were both exciting and exhausting. Our first field trip included tours of the NC Governor’s Mansion, State Capital, and the Legislative Building. The second field trip was to Camp Flintlock where we learned all about Colonial America through reenactments, games, and crafts. I was very grateful for help from a friend that day because I had both of my kids, the little boy I babysit, it was raining the entire time and I’ve been in a walking boot because of a stress fracture in my foot. God knew I needed help and he provided a friend which made the day much more enjoyable.

We also had a great ultrasound of baby this month. We could have found out baby’s gender but we decided to wait. Since we already have both a boy and a girl we are just going to wait until the delivery to see what the Lord has planned for us. The great news is that baby looked very healthy! The baby started kicking a lot this month too. Even Josh started feeling the kicks!

We were able to celebrate Josh’s birthday this month. He is the most amazing husband and father! I am so thankful for his spiritual leadership, his intimate care for me, the deep friendship we share, his compassion and empathy for others, his patience with everyone, his continual sense of humor, his hardworking demeanor and servant attitude, and most of all how he loves Jesus. I am more blessed than I can describe in words and not a day goes by that I don’t thank the Lord for his life and pray that He will give us many more years with this incredible man!!!

Thankful List ~ August 2014

August 2014 Thankful List

As another month has passed us by we would love to share with you many of the things we are thankful for.

Josiah turned three on August 3rd. It’s so hard to believe my little boy is three already. Josiah is one of a kind. He is my energetic, athletic, cuddlier, who is full of charisma. More often than not you can find him smiling and laughing while playing a game with his sister, dancing, or making some kind of music of his own. We celebrated this year, since it was his Golden Birthday (3rd on the 3rd) with a Jake and the Never land Pirates Party. Everyone had a great time but I think our buccaneer was the happiest of all.

This month we took the kids bowling for the first time. I had gotten coupons for a few free games and we had a great time. Josiah rolled his ball with such finesse that a few times I thought it was literally going to stop mid-way down the lane. Addi and Josiah both had a great celebration dances for the few occasions when they knocked down a few pins (and yes, we were playing with bumpers).

We are so thankful that we are far enough along in the pregnancy that we could announce it to all of our friends and family. We have recently had another appointment and were so grateful for the sound of a healthy heartbeat.

We were able to take a trip to Georgia and visit with family. On our way we stopped in Charlotte to visit some dear friends and see their new home. While we were in Georgia we created some very sweet memories of the kids with family that we typically only get to see once or twice a year. One of my favorite traditions is having “coffee” on my Aunt Dede’s back porch. The kids sit and cuddle with my Aunt, my mom, and my Nana while sipping on their hot chocolate in the early morning hours. The kids also have a tradition of jumping on the trampoline while Nana sings her made up “Bouncy, Bouncy, BOOM” song. Nana also taught them how to put on a “talent show.” She would introduce them, they would pick a song to sing, and then they would take a bow. Josiah was absolutely hilarious because he would bow so low his head would touch the floor. It was an absolute joy seeing the kids play with their relatives. In addition it was such a blessing to see the reactions of those who were excited about our pregnancy. Specifically, my mom, Nana, Josh’s mom, and Josh’s sister were the most thrilled.

I was also reminded this month about the gift of life. The Lord is the author and sustainer of life and the one who can give it or take it away. My grandmother Patsy passed away this month. She was a remarkable woman who was loved by many. I had not seen her in a long time but her impact and influence on my life will never be forgotten. I was extremely sad when I heard the news that she had passed away and unfortunately it was not possible for me to go to the funeral. I am thankful for God’s comfort and also thankful for a husband who didn’t mind my many spontaneous tears over the past couple weeks. On a brighter note, God blessed two ladies in my small group and one of my cousins with new babies. I’ve been overwhelmed with the absolute cuteness of each of their kids and I can’t wait to spend more time with them getting some sweet cuddles.

We officially started homeschool this month. Although it’s been challenging to plan for, the kids are loving it and I think I might be learning more than they are.

Finally, after much prayer and counsel we decided to move forward with pursuing our next step in our journey. Josh put out a few resumes for full time ministry positions and we’ve had a great response so far. There are several churches that are pursuing him and we greatly desire wisdom and discernment about any future possibilities.

Only God Can Comfort In Such Unimaginable Ways

Two months ago I wrote a blog post on the due day of the baby we had miscarried.  In it, I wrote about how God was working in our lives even on that very day.  I wrote, “He has comforted me in a way that that seems almost impossible, too good to be true.  He has shown me once again how much He loves me and how much I can truly trust Him.  He is sovereign and He alone has the power to give and take away.”

Although intentionally veiled, I can now share with you the specifics of HOW he comforted us on that day.  During the first week in June I was feeling very tired and sluggish.  I just assumed it was because I was very aware of the approaching due date. I was sad and unmotivated to do things my normal peppy self desired. For anyone who knows our history I have a very irregular cycle and we struggled for 2 years with infertility so exhaustion is always my first indicator that I’m pregnant, not a missed period like most women.  Since I was so tired, the thought that I could be pregnant had crossed my mind. However, I figured that I was just hoping to be pregnant and longing for another little one so much that I was imagining the “symptoms.”  When I woke up on the due date, I supposed that maybe I should take a pregnancy test because I would rather see the negative that day than drag out any sadness or disappointment to another day.  But, in God’s sweet mercy and extravagant kindness, the test was POSITIVE.

Yes, on the baby’s due date we discovered that God had yet again given life!  He had allowed Josh and I to get pregnant for a fourth time!  We immediately wept and rejoiced over this blessing.  We were so thankful and fell to the bed praising God and pleading with him to sustain this little life.

We obviously decided to wait awhile to tell anyone.  A few close friends found out a couple weeks ago and last weekend we made a trip to tell family.  Now, as I am 14 weeks pregnant, we’re announcing it to everyone in hopes we will gain the prayers of many.  So far, we’ve had two encouraging ultrasounds and I’m starting to feel occasional little flutters in my womb.  Each time it is such a wonderful reminder of God’s greatness and how he loves us so intimately.  This is just another example that He knows us better than we know ourselves and he loves us more deeply than we can imagine.  Be encouraged by the Father’s love today!

*Oh, and just a little side note…Addilyn has continued to ask for several months why I didn’t have a baby in my tummy anymore. We always responded patiently telling her, “that God wanted the baby to go to heaven and be with him.”  A few dozen times when we have prayed either before a meal or at bedtime, Addilyn has prayed specifically, “God please give Mommy another baby in her tummy so I can have a brother or sister.”  Every time my heart would just melt and several times her sweet sincere words would make me cry.  However, the best moment happened when we told the kids that I was pregnant.  Addilyn got so excited and immediately responded by saying, “Mommy, Mommy, that’s what I been askin’ God for….HE HEARD ME!”  Moments like these are cherished forever.  I’m so so so very thankful!

Thankful List ~ July 2013

July 2013 Thankful List

*  This month Josh and I celebrated our 10th Anniversary by taking a trip to Colorado. There are so many things that I’ve been thankful for concerning this so I’ll start here.

• First, I’m thankful for my amazing husband. Ten years ago Josh Kelly and I made a covenant together to love and honor one another for as long we live. I am so thankful that by the grace of God we have only grown more deeply in love than either of us knew was possible. We have been through some really hard things together and yet the way my husband has responded to life's trials and the way he patiently leads me to seek The Lord during these times, makes me admire and respect him all the more. He is my favorite person to laugh with and we have more fun together than I can begin to describe. He is the most wonderful husband and the most amazing father I know and I wouldn’t want to spend the rest of my life with anyone else!
• Next, I’m thankful for all those friends who watched our kiddos while we were away. The day of our flight or childcare fell through. After several hours of calling around we had lined up 17 friends to watch Addi and Josiah. It made me realize how blessed we are to have that many friends who we trusted and felt confident could care and love for our kids and were willing to serve us at the last minute. Their love and sacrifice meant so much to us!
• My grandmother and grandfather wanted to do something very special for Josh and I for our anniversary so they paid for our airfare to Denver and back! This was a huge blessing! 
• We also were invited to stay with some friends of ours who had moved to Denver last December. They graciously opened up their home, gave us tourist tips, and invited us to their church. We had a great time visiting with them and are so thankful for their hospitality and generosity. 
• While in Colorado we had the opportunity to go a Rockies game, explore downtown Denver and the 16th Street mall, take a white water rafting trip, walk around Idaho Springs, Estes Park and Boulder, enjoy Clear Creek, spend time at Golden Gate Canyon State Park, take in God’s beauty at Mt. Evans, Summit Lake, Echo Lake, Rocky Mountain State Park, and Red Rocks Park. It was an absolutely unforgettable! We loved every minute of it!

*  This month I was thankful to make time to edit home videos. I’ve been a couple years behind but I have a goal to get caught up soon. I was able to downloaded a program to burn the videos on to DVDs so now I’m really excited!
*  I got to go to the Kids Exchange again and I’m so blessed to have found clothes and toys for the kids at really great prices.

*  I’m thankful for more fun events in Raleigh. On Independence Day Raleigh has a huge festival downtown. Although Josh had to work we met up with several of friends and enjoyed the atmosphere. Although Addi and Josiah are both still scared of fireworks we still had a great time. 

This month the kids also had a blast at library Lego time. The movie theaters in the area also do $1 summer movies for kids. We’ve gone to see Despicable Me 2, Rio, and Kung Fu Panda 2. Pullen Park hosts “Hoop Jam and Drum Circle” on Wednesday nights. Addi and Josiah love going. Josiah’s favorite part is joining in with the adults and playing the djembe. Finally, the last week in July kids got to go to half-day summer camp at YMCA. Every day they got to play games, sing songs, swim, and make crafts. It was fun for them and a great break for me!