On Tuesday, November 19th at 4:30 p.m. we were
told in a gentle voice, full of compassion, “Hey guys………..I’m sorry……..…I can
not find a heartbeat.”
These nine words were not what we expected to hear at our 11-week
ultrasound. Sorrow instantly overwhelmed
my heart, tears filled my eyes, disbelief written on my husband’s face. This was the absolute last thing we imagined
hearing at this appointment. It is
astounding, how nine little words can turn your whole world upside down.
For those of you who know us, or at least know our story,
you know that we have had our ups and downs when it comes to growing our family. We struggled for two years with infertility
and yet after being told we could never have children, I have the joy of
playing with our two amazing children every day. They are full of energy and remind me
constantly how nothing is impossible for God!
We also have little girl we’ve never met who has captured our hearts and
we long to one day adopt from China.
And, for a brief 11 weeks, we had a tiny baby growing within me who had
changed our perspective on life yet again.
Although we had only known of this little one for six weeks
we were head over heels in love. We were
excited about meeting him or her in the hospital and seeing the reactions of
Addilyn and Josiah to their new brother or sister. One of my all time favorite memories was the
moment Addilyn saw Josiah for the first time.
I was thrilled that I was going to get to witness that type of moment
again. We had decided not to find out the
gender of the baby and were ecstatic about the thought of Josh announcing to me
if the baby was a boy or girl in the delivery room. I imagined Josh running down to the waiting
room in the hospital and announcing to any friends or family who were present. We had been thinking of both boy names and
girl names and had gotten giddy about a few possibilities that we both seemed
to like. We had begun making plans for
rearranging the kids’ bedroom and making a nursery. We were already making plans to have a
smaller birthday party for Addilyn in April because I would be five weeks short
of my due date. We had envisioned
having a sweet six week old to hold and cherish on our 10th wedding
anniversary in July. We envisioned lots
of things that seemed so little in the moment but seem so significant now that
we know they will not be a reality.
Josh and I, in the midst of tremendous sadness and sorrow,
are glad that the Lord is encouraging us through His word, through
gospel-centered songs, and through the love and service of those in our
church. We could choose to crawl up in
bed, pull the covers up over our head, and stay there flooding our pillow with
tears (and not that I haven’t done that a few times) but by the grace of God
and the strength of the Holy Spirit we are able to rise up from that pit and testify
to what a great God we have!
Here are some things we know to be true.
God is good. His is just as faithful today as he was 10,000 years ago. He has not changed. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He never leaves or forsakes us. He was not surprised by the death of our baby. In fact, it was him who ordained it to happen. He knew that on that day, in that very moment, we were going to be devastated and we were going to need Him to provide comfort and peace for our hearts.
We know that our baby had a soul from the moment it was conceived and we trust that he or she is in heaven with Jesus at this very moment. We selfishly wish we could have met this little one and had many, many years to love him or her on this earth, but we are thankful that he or she has been spared from knowing the sin of this world. We completely trust that his or her soul is safe and secure with its creator.
We know that our baby had a soul from the moment it was conceived and we trust that he or she is in heaven with Jesus at this very moment. We selfishly wish we could have met this little one and had many, many years to love him or her on this earth, but we are thankful that he or she has been spared from knowing the sin of this world. We completely trust that his or her soul is safe and secure with its creator.
Here are some things we don’t know right now (and may never
know).
Why? Why us? Why this baby? Why now? There are tons of reasons why this might have happened. It could have happened so that Josh and I may be better equipped to counsel and sympathize with others who may struggle with miscarriage in the future. It may have happened because the baby had health issues. It may have been God’s way of reminding us that another pregnancy for us was not impossible. We can speculate about various reasons but none of that will ever be fully comforting or even helpful. However much we may want the answers to these questions and more, the thing we must focus our minds on is that we can trust God and his plan. His ways are better than our own. His word says, “We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him” (Romans 8:28).
Here
are some ways we have seen God’s grace in this tragedy.
We had scheduled our ultrasound to take place on Tuesday because it was Josh’s day off of work that week. However, he found out early Monday morning that his company was going to be having a very important surprise inspection from the Vice President on Tuesday. He worked a 15-hour shift on Monday and went in on Tuesday at 7:00 a.m. At this point he was still not sure he was going to be able to leave in time to meet me at the doctor for the ultrasound. However, at 3:45 (right in the middle of the inspection) his direct supervisor encouraged him to go ahead and go so he could meet me at the doctor. What amazing grace of God that Josh was able to be with me when the doctor shared with us the news that we had lost our baby. I can only imagine how awful it would have been to be alone in that moment. But God spared me from that, and instead, I had the arms of my loving husband wrapped around me and I had his shoulder to cry on. In that horrific moment, my husband responded by leading us in prayer. He prayed that God would give us strength to endure this trial, would deepen or faith, and would strengthen our marriage.Although Josh and I only had about 10 minutes from when the doctor told us the news and when we met him in his office, my mind was overwhelmed with hundreds of thousands of thoughts and emotions. They were a jumbled mess of heartache, blame, guilt, sadness, despair, fear, anger, hopelessness and others I can’t explain because I’m not even sure there are words in the English language to describe what I was feeling. Thoughts came to my mind as quickly and frequently as camera flashes on a celebrity standing on the red carpet of the most prestigious awards ceremony. Seriously, hundreds upon hundreds of thoughts per minute. If I tried my entire life to come up with a better analogy to adequately explain it, I just don’t think I could. In short, we felt the horrible severity of the situation in each slowly passing second. Some of the very first thoughts I had were about if I had done something to cause this miscarriage. Was it because I could not keep down any food or drink other than ginger ale and sherbet? Did the baby not get the nutrients it needed to grow and survive? Did the one White Chocolate Mocha have too much caffeine in it? Did I lift a box that was too heavy or exercise too strenuously one day? Did I start taking prenatal vitamins too late? Now what do we do? Do I have to have an operation? Will it hurt? Will Josh be able to be with me? How do we tell people? How do we tell Addi and Josiah? What does this mean for the adoption? Will be able to get pregnant again? On and on and on. In God’s great grace, after sitting down in the doctors’ office, the VERY first thing he said to us was, “I’m so sorry for your loss. You need to know that there is nothing you could have done to change this outcome. This is not your fault.” Tears rolling down my face began to flood my lap. He didn’t even realize that in that moment God was using his comforting words to address 1,000 different fears that had already crept into my mind even though I had not even verbalized them. Next, our doctor gently explained the options we had as far as taking care of the baby’s little body and which option would be most beneficial to keep me healthy as well. Finally, he explained that, “Just because you’ve had one miscarriage does not mean there will be an increased risk for miscarriage if you were to get pregnant in the future.” Again, we were so thankful for such a tender and thoughtful doctor who was able to explain these things to us without us even asking about them.
We were especially thankful that when we went home we were able to wrap our arms around Addilyn and Josiah. Again, in God’s perfect timing, we were grateful that if this was God’s will for us to go through a miscarriage, that at least we were going through it now and not 4-5 years ago when we had been struggling with infertility. Just being able to love on Addilyn and Josiah when we got home was so helpful for us to begin the healing process and we know that not everyone who has struggled with a miscarriage has that luxury.
In addition, for those who have been following our adoption journey, you know that we had worked for several months preparing for our online silent auction. After a week of it being live and hundreds of bids being made, it had ended the day before we found out this news. This meant that there were obviously LOTS of work to be done sending emails to both donors and to the winning bidders to communicate the results of the auction. Although some would have seen this as a burden, it was a good distraction on Wednesday because I did not have an option to work on it or not. It had to get done. I was thankful that it kept my mind occupied where I otherwise would have been tempted to dwell on my circumstances and have been tempted towards self-pity. Although this was difficult to balance the remainder of the week, I was at least thankful for the distraction on Wednesday.
On Wednesday afternoon Josh and I made the decision to schedule a D&C to reduce the risk of infection. Josh and I both really struggled with doubts. What if the doctor was wrong? We knew in our heads that the doctor was right. We had seen the ultrasound (two ultrasounds in fact because we moved to a second ultrasound room and used a second machine). We saw with our own eyes that there was no heartbeat, but we still were holding out the slightest bit of hope. We struggled with this false hope of the baby still being alive and the fear of moving forward with this procedure actually causing an abortion. We cried and prayed and even pleaded with God to give us wisdom and discernment about this. Thursday night I began cramping and bleeding and although this was an answer to our prayer because it confirmed what the doctor had told us, it still was very difficult to process. That evening Josh went to small group and was able to seek support and prayer from our church family. I stayed home, put the kids to bed and spent 5 hours sitting in my bed worshiping to gospel-centered songs. God ministered to my soul more than I can begin to describe through the lyrics of many songs we sing each Sunday at our amazing church.
Fortunately, God answered another prayer by allowing Josh to get off the entire day on Friday (not just a few hours for the procedure). He was not only able to go with me, but he was able to sit beside me, hold my hand, and rub my forehead during the procedure. Before the actual procedure began the doctor was able to offer the assurance we had been praying for by allowing us one last ultrasound. Although, it was hard to see our lifeless child it also brought us peace to know that we were not about to give permission to a doctor to take a life. At that moment we were now 100% certain that he or she was already was residing with Jesus. The doctor’s allowed me to bring my phone with my playlist into the operating room. Although I would have rather been put to sleep, I’m thankful that Josh never left my side. His presence reminded me of our Lord and Savior who never leaves us or forsakes us, especially in times of trouble. I am so thankful of the picture of Christ a husband can be to his wife! One thing Josh shared with me later was that he caught glimpses of our nurse singing along to “Blessed Be Your Name” as she was helping with the procedure.
The most evident moment of God’s hand at work was immediately after the procedure. They had us waiting in the operating room for just a little bit to make sure my vitals were okay before allowing me to leave. During this time, Josh leaned over and asked me, “Have you thought about naming the baby?” The day before I had spoken with a friend who previously had two miscarriages and she shared with me her greatest regret was not naming the babies. However, even after that conversation I had not let myself think about this. Josh and I had plenty of time to talk about this on Wednesday and Thursday but it was an area we had tip toed around and had not even brought up to one another. While still lying there on the operating table, I shared with him that because we didn’t know the gender I was hesitant to name the baby. He nodded his head like he understood exactly where I was coming from. However, in this very moment, a general-neutral name popped in my head. I have no clue where it came from. I am usually big about looking up meanings of names and knowing their origin so I was, of course, still hesitant to say anything at all. At that very moment, Josh shared with me that the previous night and for most of the day he had been thinking about the name “Taylor.” My jaw dropped and I instantly began sobbing because that is the exact name that had just come to my mind. I found it absolutely astounding that of all the names in the entire world we both had thought of the same name without even speaking a word to one another. I just knew this had to be the prompting of the Holy Spirit. It was just so neat how God affirmed through the naming of this baby that he was working in both of our hearts independently but also simultaneously. Later that evening, one of our dearest friends about fell off the couch when we told her the name because “Taylor” was the name that had come to her mind as well (although out of sensitivity and respect for us she never would have verbalized this had we not said anything).
In addition to everything else I’ve already mentioned, we have been shown an over abundance of love this week from numerous individuals. I am thankful for my mom and my Nana who each called me every day this week to check on me and to encourage me. We are thankful for our church family who has loved us more than we thought could be possible. People have watched our children, made us meals, sat and prayed with us, cried with us, sent us encouraging emails and texts, and even bore the burden of sharing the news for us so we didn’t have to recount it again and again.
Here are some verses that have encouraged our hearts.
Isaiah 40:10-14,28-31
See, the Sovereign Lord comes with power,and he rules with a mighty arm.
See, his reward is with him,
and his recompense accompanies him.
He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.
Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand,
or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?
Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket,
or weighed the mountains on the scales
and the hills in a balance?
Who can fathom the Spirit[d] of the Lord,
or instruct the Lord as his counselor?
Whom did the Lord consult to enlighten him,
and who taught him the right way?
Who was it that taught him knowledge,
or showed him the path of understanding?
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
Philippians 4:4-9
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
Romans 8:17-28
Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God. We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Psalm 136
Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good.
His love endures forever.
Give thanks to the God of gods.
His love endures forever.
Give thanks to the Lord of lords:
His love endures forever.
to him who alone does great wonders,
His love endures forever.
who by his understanding made the heavens,
His love endures forever.
who spread out the earth upon the waters,
His love endures forever.
who made the great lights—
His love endures forever.
the sun to govern the day,
His love endures forever.
the moon and stars to govern the night;
His love endures forever.
him who struck down the firstborn of Egypt
His love endures forever.
and brought Israel out from among them
His love endures forever.
with a mighty hand and outstretched arm;
His love endures forever.
to him who divided the Red Sea asunder
His love endures forever.
and brought Israel through the midst of it,
His love endures forever.
but swept Pharaoh and his army into the Red Sea;
His love endures forever.
to him who led his people through the wilderness;
His love endures forever.
He remembered us in our low estate
His love endures forever.
and freed us from our enemies.
His love endures forever.
He gives food to every creature.
His love endures forever.
Give thanks to the God of heaven.
His love endures forever.
Psalm 139:1-18
You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
Here are some song lyrics that have helped us maintain a
right perspective.
To hear our entire
playlist please click here.
Blessed Be Your Name- Matt Redman
Blessed Be Your
Name
In the land that
is plentiful
Where Your
streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your
name
Blessed Be Your
name
When I'm found in
the desert place
Though I walk
through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your
name
Every blessing
You pour out
I'll turn back to
praise
When the darkness
closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the
name of the Lord
Blessed be Your
name
Blessed be the
name of the Lord
Blessed be Your
glorious name
Blessed be Your
name
When the sun's
shining down on me
When the world's
'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your
name
Blessed be Your
name
On the road
marked with suffering
Though there's pain
in the offering
Blessed be Your
name
Every blessing
You pour out
I'll turn back to
praise
When the darkness
closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the
name of the Lord
Blessed be Your
name
Blessed be the
name of the Lord
Blessed be Your
glorious name
You give and take
away
You give and take
away
My heart will
choose to say
Lord, blessed be
Your name
In the Valley- Valley of Vision (Sovereign
Grace Music)
When You lead me to
the valley of vision
I can see You in
the heights
And though my
humbling wouldn't be my decision
It's here Your
glory shines so bright
So let me learn
that the cross precedes the crown
To be low is to be
high
That the valley's
where
You make me more
like Christ
Let me find Your
grace in the valley
Let me find Your
life in my death
Let me find Your
joy in my sorrow
Your wealth in my
need
That You're near
with every breath
In the valley
In the daytime
there are stars in the heavens
But they only shine
at night
And the deeper that
I go into darkness
The more I see
their radiant light
So let me learn
that my losses are my gain
To be broken is to
heal
That the valley's
where
Your power is
revealed
10,000 Reasons
Bless the Lord
O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name
The sun comes up
It's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes
Bless the Lord O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name
And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
10,000 years and then forever more
Bless the Lord O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name
Finally, here are our thoughts on moving forward.
First and foremost, we do not want to move on without honoring the miracle of life that God created. Although we will never get to hold Taylor, we know that he or she was a uniquely created individual whom God loves. Although we have chosen not to have an official “memorial service” we are choosing to celebrate this little life in other ways. We will be purchasing a memory box to place important keepsakes. We plan to include the poem we wrote to announce our pregnancy, both sets of ultrasound pictures, a video of us telling Addi and Josiah we were having a baby, and a copy of this journal. We also plan to purchase a Christmas ornament specifically to honor the memory of this little one. Each year as we place it on our Christmas tree we hope to be reminded of God’s faithfulness and grace to our family. Finally, we will be celebrating the memory of this little one his or her due date. I plan to bake a little cake for our family on June 9th and again remember how our great God continues to bless us and strengthen us through his love.
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