Thursday, December 12, 2013

Thankful List ~ November 2013

November 2013 Thankful List
* In October we were so thankful to learn the Lord had allowed us to get pregnant again, but at that time we were not sharing with very many people.  We were excited towards the beginning of November to start sharing the news of our pregnancy with family and friends.
* I was excited to give my husband an early Christmas present (tickets to the UGA/ FL game in Jacksonville).  He got to ride down with some great friends and enjoy an incredibly exciting game.  The kids and I watched from home and had a great time "looking for Daddy."
* We are thankful for how the Lord blessed us through our online Silent Auction!  For all the details check out this post.
* This month we are most grateful for a sovereign God who comforts and gives peace to hurting hearts.  We found out we had miscarried on November 19th and I struggled for the rest of the month with medical complications.  God was so gracious to comfort us through revealing his promises in His word and through the love, service, and sacrifice of so many individuals within our church.  We are so grateful for these friends who brought us meals and watched our kids and prayed for us a lot.  For more about what God taught us during this season you can read our two posts Heartbroken Yet Hopeful and An Unusual Advent Season.
* We are thankful for Josh’s job and those that he works with who were willing to let him take off of work to be with me during several important doctor's appointments.
* I'm thankful that no one ever asks "How old were you when you were potty trained?"  I know this sounds silly, but we began potty training Josiah at the beginning of the month and it was not going very well.  After having the miscarriage we decide to postpone potty training for another month or two.
*I loved cooking with Addilyn Thanksgiving morning and watching Josiah get very excited about the balloons in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade.  This was such a sweet time for me this month.


Online Silent Auction Update

For all those who have been waiting to hear the final results of our silent auction, here are the highlights:
* We had a total of 112 items listed!
* We had 39 businesses or friends donate at least one item!
* We averaged about 2,250 website views per day!
* 90 items sold!
* I shipped items to 16 different states!
* Although we had quite a few winning bidders who did not pay for their items, I had several individuals who had been outbid still purchase the items at their starting bid.  This was very helpful!
* We ended up raising $1,894.57!

Thank you to everyone who helped by either donating items, purchasing items, or even advertising for us!  We really appreciate it!




Tuesday, December 10, 2013

An Unusual Advent Season

God is in the ordinary but he radiates in the unexpected and unusual.

The bible is full of stories about ordinary and everyday people who have unexpected and unusual things happen to them.  Those individuals who become our biblical heroes are the ones who take those odd circumstances and trust in a sovereign God who is creative beyond anything we can imagine and who knows just how he is going to work all those rare and bizarre events into HIS perfect redemption story.

This Advent season like many Christians, I’ve naturally been drawn to the story of Jesus’s mother, Mary.  I could pretend that our store bought nativity scene perfectly illustrates what actually happened on the night of our Savior’s birth.  I usually imagine, the way so many of us do, that everything was easy and every thing worked out perfectly for Mary and Joseph.  But if I did this, I would miss so much about the real story of what happened.

Mary was a young lady from a humble family.  She was betrothed to a man named Joseph.  An angel was sent to her to tell her that she had been chosen by God to give birth to the Messiah even though she was a virgin.  Unexpected and unusual, I would say so!

The first “problem” was that Mary was betrothed and pregnant.  In their culture, betrothal involved official arrangements.  Joseph and Mary had already entered into a legal contract and were basically waiting on the wedding ceremony. At this time, they were already referred to as husband and wife but they were not considered “married” so any sexual relations was considered immoral and any unfaithfulness during this time was considered adultery.  Under Mosaic Law she could have been divorced and stoned because of this pregnancy.

Another obstacle is that Caesar Augustus sent out the decree for everyone under Roman rule to be registered for tax purposes.  Because Joseph was from Bethlehem, he and Mary had to begin their journey.  Typically, travelling this distance would take about 4-5 days, however; it is estimated that it likely took them a week or longer because Mary was so far along in the pregnancy.

Once they got to Bethlehem so many others had already arrived that there was no room for them at the inn.  The only place they could find to rest was with the animals, likely a stable, since scripture indicates that a “manger” (or a feeding trough) was the only place to lay Jesus after his birth.  If I really stop to think what that scene actually looked like, I’m sure I would not see the well-groomed cows, horses and sheep as depicted in our nativity scenes.  I would guess that Mary had a pretty uncomfortable labor as she laid on dirt and hay and smelled animal feces.  I can imagine Joseph, a first-time dad, struggling to comfort Mary as she had contractions and taking care of her after she delivered the baby.  I can imagine Mary (a young teenager) trying to figure out how to nurse and care for her newborn while trying to heal from labor.  Of course all of this is speculation, but the point is that Jesus, although He was perfect, was not born into a perfect world.  He was born into a world filled with pain, sorrow, disappointment, frustration, unmet expectations, and more.

But God knew every detail.  He is the author of every single thing that took place.  God gave Joseph grace and compassion to love Mary and trust her even though the circumstances did not make sense.  Many prophecies were fulfilled because Jesus’s earthly father was Joseph, a descendant of David and Abraham.  God orchestrated all the events which led to Caser ordering the decree which forced Joseph and Mary to return to Bethlehem and fulfill yet another prophecy about the birthplace of the Messiah.  God may not have provided the place or circumstances for Jesus’s delivery that Mary and Joseph wanted or even imagined. However, He provided for their needs.   God surprised the whole world with the unexpected way in which the King of Kings and Lord of Lord was brought into the world.  And how unusual that God choose to announce the arrival of Jesus to the lowly shepherds before anyone else!

Now, considering our recent circumstances, and the loss of our baby, I could read this story and dive into self-pity in which I focus on how I will never be able to hold my baby or be able to shower him/her with kisses.  But, instead I must focus my mind on a mighty God who knows all things and whose plan is perfect (even if it doesn’t seem ideal to me).  Over the past three weeks I have hurt more deeply than I ever have before, but I can be thankful.  I can be thankful because when God is doing unexpected and unusual things in my life, I know He is at work!  He is strengthening my faith and deepening my trust in Him!

In my last post I had shared about our anxiousness prior to the D&C and now I want to share with you a little of what we’ve been through since having the procedure.  Most women who need a D&C after a miscarriage recover from the procedure approximately 24-48 hours afterwards.   For me, however, it’s been anything but what was predicted.  I had the initial procedure on Friday, November 22nd.  The very next day, I was in so much pain we called the on-call doctor for my obgyn.  He asked me to immediately come into the office because my symptoms sounded as if they had punctured my uterus (and possibly my small intestines) during the D&C.  I called Josh who was able to get off of work. I called several neighbors who quick volunteered to watch my kiddos and one who drove me across town to the doctor’s office. 

As Josh and I sat on the sidewalk outside the locked office building waiting on my doctor to meet us, I realized…my life is so unusual.  I’ve always known this, but in this moment it really hit me.  Things don’t ever go as I have them planned…EVER.

As we weaved through the dark hallways passing empty exam rooms, I imagined the number of women who had sat in those very rooms and heard unexpected news.  Certainly many women had heard good news and others the same horrifying news I had heard earlier that week. But, in all these moments, God knew.

I lay on the ultra sound table.  Here I was, yet again, being poked and prodded.  A doctor, who I completely trust, searched for an answer to the problem.  However, even with years of schooling and even more years of experience he was unable to answer the question about what was causing me so much pain.   Again, I was comforted by an echoing whisper in my head- “I know what is wrong. I am the only One who truly has the power to heal. Trust me.

The cramping gradually got better.  However a week later, I was still bleeding excessively.  I called the doctor and they immediately had me come back in.  After another set of extensive exams, my doctor concluded I had severe blood clots and needed to be put on medicine equivalent to Pitocin (which basically brings on and strengthens labor contractions during childbirth).  They hoped that it would cause my uterus to contract enough to push everything out "naturally."  He said this would be very painful (especially since usually women who receive Pitocin typically also get an epidural for the pain). He also told me that if this did not work I would need a 2nd D&C.  Fortunately, he gave me another medication to help me manage the pain.  I obviously could not take this when watching the kids during the day or when planning to drive, but I could take it in the evenings so I could sleep.  By the end of this appointment I was beginning to get frustrated.  I was just so ready for "normal life" to resume because I was so sick of the constant physical reminders of the miscarriage.  Those few days were rather difficult, but God gave me what I needed to endure.  Tomorrow I go back (for hopefully my last appointment) and whatever news I hear, I pray that like Mary, my response to my rare and unusual circumstances will be pleasing to the Lord. 

When Mary was told she was the one chosen to give life to the Savior of the world, this is how she responded according to Luke 1:46-49, “My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant. From now on all generations will call me blessed, for the Mighty One has done great things for me—holy is his name.”

In addition, this gives me great joy to know that my God is working in the life of our little girl in China.  She is most definitely going to have a testimony of God working in unexpected and unusual ways.  I’m excited to see what God has in store for her and I’m anxiously waiting the day He brings us into her life!

Here’s another amazing thing, you are special and unique too.  God has not written the story for you that you think he has. God is in the ordinary but he radiates in the unexpected and unusual.  He will use you in a mighty way, if you are willing.  Take those unexpected and unusual circumstances that arise and choose to honor the Lord. 


The term advent means "coming.”  This world and everything in it revolves around the two periods of waiting for Christ to come 1) The long-awaited birth of the Messiah and 2) How we are currently waiting for His return to earth.  We must keep this perspective!  We must fight the temptation to believe that the world revolves around us.  We must choose to be thankful for a God who works in unexpected and unusual ways.  This advent season I challenge you to focus on the 2nd coming of Jesus, be thankful that every promise God has ever made he has kept.  Trust and wait with full confidence that Jesus will keep his promise to come again when we least expect him!

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Heartbroken yet Hopeful

On Tuesday, November 19th at 4:30 p.m. we were told in a gentle voice, full of compassion, “Hey guys………..I’m sorry……..…I can not find a heartbeat.”

These nine words were not what we expected to hear at our 11-week ultrasound.  Sorrow instantly overwhelmed my heart, tears filled my eyes, disbelief written on my husband’s face.  This was the absolute last thing we imagined hearing at this appointment.  It is astounding, how nine little words can turn your whole world upside down.

For those of you who know us, or at least know our story, you know that we have had our ups and downs when it comes to growing our family.  We struggled for two years with infertility and yet after being told we could never have children, I have the joy of playing with our two amazing children every day.  They are full of energy and remind me constantly how nothing is impossible for God!  We also have little girl we’ve never met who has captured our hearts and we long to one day adopt from China.  And, for a brief 11 weeks, we had a tiny baby growing within me who had changed our perspective on life yet again.

Although we had only known of this little one for six weeks we were head over heels in love.  We were excited about meeting him or her in the hospital and seeing the reactions of Addilyn and Josiah to their new brother or sister.  One of my all time favorite memories was the moment Addilyn saw Josiah for the first time.  I was thrilled that I was going to get to witness that type of moment again.  We had decided not to find out the gender of the baby and were ecstatic about the thought of Josh announcing to me if the baby was a boy or girl in the delivery room.  I imagined Josh running down to the waiting room in the hospital and announcing to any friends or family who were present.  We had been thinking of both boy names and girl names and had gotten giddy about a few possibilities that we both seemed to like.  We had begun making plans for rearranging the kids’ bedroom and making a nursery.  We were already making plans to have a smaller birthday party for Addilyn in April because I would be five weeks short of my due date.   We had envisioned having a sweet six week old to hold and cherish on our 10th wedding anniversary in July.  We envisioned lots of things that seemed so little in the moment but seem so significant now that we know they will not be a reality.

Josh and I, in the midst of tremendous sadness and sorrow, are glad that the Lord is encouraging us through His word, through gospel-centered songs, and through the love and service of those in our church.  We could choose to crawl up in bed, pull the covers up over our head, and stay there flooding our pillow with tears (and not that I haven’t done that a few times) but by the grace of God and the strength of the Holy Spirit we are able to rise up from that pit and testify to what a great God we have!

Here are some things we know to be true.
God is good. His is just as faithful today as he was 10,000 years ago. He has not changed. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He never leaves or forsakes us. He was not surprised by the death of our baby. In fact, it was him who ordained it to happen. He knew that on that day, in that very moment, we were going to be devastated and we were going to need Him to provide comfort and peace for our hearts.

We know that our baby had a soul from the moment it was conceived and we trust that he or she is in heaven with Jesus at this very moment. We selfishly wish we could have met this little one and had many, many years to love him or her on this earth, but we are thankful that he or she has been spared from knowing the sin of this world. We completely trust that his or her soul is safe and secure with its creator.

Here are some things we don’t know right now (and may never know).
Why? Why us? Why this baby? Why now? There are tons of reasons why this might have happened. It could have happened so that Josh and I may be better equipped to counsel and sympathize with others who may struggle with miscarriage in the future. It may have happened because the baby had health issues. It may have been God’s way of reminding us that another pregnancy for us was not impossible. We can speculate about various reasons but none of that will ever be fully comforting or even helpful. However much we may want the answers to these questions and more, the thing we must focus our minds on is that we can trust God and his plan. His ways are better than our own. His word says, “We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him” (Romans 8:28).

Here are some ways we have seen God’s grace in this tragedy.
We had scheduled our ultrasound to take place on Tuesday because it was Josh’s day off of work that week. However, he found out early Monday morning that his company was going to be having a very important surprise inspection from the Vice President on Tuesday. He worked a 15-hour shift on Monday and went in on Tuesday at 7:00 a.m. At this point he was still not sure he was going to be able to leave in time to meet me at the doctor for the ultrasound. However, at 3:45 (right in the middle of the inspection) his direct supervisor encouraged him to go ahead and go so he could meet me at the doctor. What amazing grace of God that Josh was able to be with me when the doctor shared with us the news that we had lost our baby. I can only imagine how awful it would have been to be alone in that moment. But God spared me from that, and instead, I had the arms of my loving husband wrapped around me and I had his shoulder to cry on. In that horrific moment, my husband responded by leading us in prayer. He prayed that God would give us strength to endure this trial, would deepen or faith, and would strengthen our marriage.

Although Josh and I only had about 10 minutes from when the doctor told us the news and when we met him in his office, my mind was overwhelmed with hundreds of thousands of thoughts and emotions. They were a jumbled mess of heartache, blame, guilt, sadness, despair, fear, anger, hopelessness and others I can’t explain because I’m not even sure there are words in the English language to describe what I was feeling. Thoughts came to my mind as quickly and frequently as camera flashes on a celebrity standing on the red carpet of the most prestigious awards ceremony. Seriously, hundreds upon hundreds of thoughts per minute. If I tried my entire life to come up with a better analogy to adequately explain it, I just don’t think I could. In short, we felt the horrible severity of the situation in each slowly passing second. Some of the very first thoughts I had were about if I had done something to cause this miscarriage. Was it because I could not keep down any food or drink other than ginger ale and sherbet? Did the baby not get the nutrients it needed to grow and survive? Did the one White Chocolate Mocha have too much caffeine in it? Did I lift a box that was too heavy or exercise too strenuously one day? Did I start taking prenatal vitamins too late? Now what do we do? Do I have to have an operation? Will it hurt? Will Josh be able to be with me? How do we tell people? How do we tell Addi and Josiah? What does this mean for the adoption? Will be able to get pregnant again? On and on and on. In God’s great grace, after sitting down in the doctors’ office, the VERY first thing he said to us was, “I’m so sorry for your loss. You need to know that there is nothing you could have done to change this outcome. This is not your fault.” Tears rolling down my face began to flood my lap. He didn’t even realize that in that moment God was using his comforting words to address 1,000 different fears that had already crept into my mind even though I had not even verbalized them. Next, our doctor gently explained the options we had as far as taking care of the baby’s little body and which option would be most beneficial to keep me healthy as well. Finally, he explained that, “Just because you’ve had one miscarriage does not mean there will be an increased risk for miscarriage if you were to get pregnant in the future.” Again, we were so thankful for such a tender and thoughtful doctor who was able to explain these things to us without us even asking about them.

We were especially thankful that when we went home we were able to wrap our arms around Addilyn and Josiah. Again, in God’s perfect timing, we were grateful that if this was God’s will for us to go through a miscarriage, that at least we were going through it now and not 4-5 years ago when we had been struggling with infertility. Just being able to love on Addilyn and Josiah when we got home was so helpful for us to begin the healing process and we know that not everyone who has struggled with a miscarriage has that luxury.

In addition, for those who have been following our adoption journey, you know that we had worked for several months preparing for our online silent auction. After a week of it being live and hundreds of bids being made, it had ended the day before we found out this news. This meant that there were obviously LOTS of work to be done sending emails to both donors and to the winning bidders to communicate the results of the auction. Although some would have seen this as a burden, it was a good distraction on Wednesday because I did not have an option to work on it or not. It had to get done. I was thankful that it kept my mind occupied where I otherwise would have been tempted to dwell on my circumstances and have been tempted towards self-pity. Although this was difficult to balance the remainder of the week, I was at least thankful for the distraction on Wednesday.

On Wednesday afternoon Josh and I made the decision to schedule a D&C to reduce the risk of infection. Josh and I both really struggled with doubts. What if the doctor was wrong? We knew in our heads that the doctor was right. We had seen the ultrasound (two ultrasounds in fact because we moved to a second ultrasound room and used a second machine). We saw with our own eyes that there was no heartbeat, but we still were holding out the slightest bit of hope. We struggled with this false hope of the baby still being alive and the fear of moving forward with this procedure actually causing an abortion. We cried and prayed and even pleaded with God to give us wisdom and discernment about this. Thursday night I began cramping and bleeding and although this was an answer to our prayer because it confirmed what the doctor had told us, it still was very difficult to process. That evening Josh went to small group and was able to seek support and prayer from our church family. I stayed home, put the kids to bed and spent 5 hours sitting in my bed worshiping to gospel-centered songs. God ministered to my soul more than I can begin to describe through the lyrics of many songs we sing each Sunday at our amazing church.

Fortunately, God answered another prayer by allowing Josh to get off the entire day on Friday (not just a few hours for the procedure). He was not only able to go with me, but he was able to sit beside me, hold my hand, and rub my forehead during the procedure. Before the actual procedure began the doctor was able to offer the assurance we had been praying for by allowing us one last ultrasound. Although, it was hard to see our lifeless child it also brought us peace to know that we were not about to give permission to a doctor to take a life. At that moment we were now 100% certain that he or she was already was residing with Jesus. The doctor’s allowed me to bring my phone with my playlist into the operating room. Although I would have rather been put to sleep, I’m thankful that Josh never left my side. His presence reminded me of our Lord and Savior who never leaves us or forsakes us, especially in times of trouble. I am so thankful of the picture of Christ a husband can be to his wife! One thing Josh shared with me later was that he caught glimpses of our nurse singing along to “Blessed Be Your Name” as she was helping with the procedure.

The most evident moment of God’s hand at work was immediately after the procedure. They had us waiting in the operating room for just a little bit to make sure my vitals were okay before allowing me to leave. During this time, Josh leaned over and asked me, “Have you thought about naming the baby?” The day before I had spoken with a friend who previously had two miscarriages and she shared with me her greatest regret was not naming the babies. However, even after that conversation I had not let myself think about this. Josh and I had plenty of time to talk about this on Wednesday and Thursday but it was an area we had tip toed around and had not even brought up to one another. While still lying there on the operating table, I shared with him that because we didn’t know the gender I was hesitant to name the baby. He nodded his head like he understood exactly where I was coming from. However, in this very moment, a general-neutral name popped in my head. I have no clue where it came from. I am usually big about looking up meanings of names and knowing their origin so I was, of course, still hesitant to say anything at all. At that very moment, Josh shared with me that the previous night and for most of the day he had been thinking about the name “Taylor.” My jaw dropped and I instantly began sobbing because that is the exact name that had just come to my mind. I found it absolutely astounding that of all the names in the entire world we both had thought of the same name without even speaking a word to one another. I just knew this had to be the prompting of the Holy Spirit. It was just so neat how God affirmed through the naming of this baby that he was working in both of our hearts independently but also simultaneously. Later that evening, one of our dearest friends about fell off the couch when we told her the name because “Taylor” was the name that had come to her mind as well (although out of sensitivity and respect for us she never would have verbalized this had we not said anything).

In addition to everything else I’ve already mentioned, we have been shown an over abundance of love this week from numerous individuals. I am thankful for my mom and my Nana who each called me every day this week to check on me and to encourage me. We are thankful for our church family who has loved us more than we thought could be possible. People have watched our children, made us meals, sat and prayed with us, cried with us, sent us encouraging emails and texts, and even bore the burden of sharing the news for us so we didn’t have to recount it again and again.

Here are some verses that have encouraged our hearts.

Isaiah 40:10-14,28-31
See, the Sovereign Lord comes with power,
and he rules with a mighty arm.
See, his reward is with him,
and his recompense accompanies him.
He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.
Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand,
or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?
Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket,
or weighed the mountains on the scales
and the hills in a balance?
Who can fathom the Spirit[d] of the Lord,
or instruct the Lord as his counselor?
Whom did the Lord consult to enlighten him,
and who taught him the right way?
Who was it that taught him knowledge,
or showed him the path of understanding?
Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.


Philippians 4:4-9
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Romans 8:17-28
Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God. We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Psalm 136
Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good.
His love endures forever.
Give thanks to the God of gods.
His love endures forever.
Give thanks to the Lord of lords:
His love endures forever.
to him who alone does great wonders,
His love endures forever.
who by his understanding made the heavens,
His love endures forever.
who spread out the earth upon the waters,
His love endures forever.
who made the great lights—
His love endures forever.
the sun to govern the day,
His love endures forever.
the moon and stars to govern the night;
His love endures forever.
him who struck down the firstborn of Egypt
His love endures forever.
and brought Israel out from among them
His love endures forever.
with a mighty hand and outstretched arm;
His love endures forever.
to him who divided the Red Sea asunder
His love endures forever.
and brought Israel through the midst of it,
His love endures forever.
but swept Pharaoh and his army into the Red Sea;
His love endures forever.
to him who led his people through the wilderness;
His love endures forever.
He remembered us in our low estate
His love endures forever.
and freed us from our enemies.
His love endures forever.
He gives food to every creature.
His love endures forever.
Give thanks to the God of heaven.
His love endures forever.

Psalm 139:1-18
You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.


Here are some song lyrics that have helped us maintain a right perspective.  
To hear our entire playlist please click here.

Blessed Be Your Name- Matt Redman
Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

In the Valley- Valley of Vision (Sovereign Grace Music)
When You lead me to the valley of vision

I can see You in the heights
And though my humbling wouldn't be my decision

It's here Your glory shines so bright


So let me learn that the cross precedes the crown

To be low is to be high

That the valley's where
You make me more like Christ



Let me find Your grace in the valley

Let me find Your life in my death

Let me find Your joy in my sorrow

Your wealth in my need

That You're near with every breath

In the valley



In the daytime there are stars in the heavens

But they only shine at night

And the deeper that I go into darkness

The more I see their radiant light

So let me learn that my losses are my gain

To be broken is to heal

That the valley's where
Your power is revealed

10,000 Reasons
Bless the Lord
O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

The sun comes up
It's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

Bless the Lord O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
10,000 years and then forever more

Bless the Lord O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

Finally, here are our thoughts on moving forward.
First and foremost, we do not want to move on without honoring the miracle of life that God created. Although we will never get to hold Taylor, we know that he or she was a uniquely created individual whom God loves. Although we have chosen not to have an official “memorial service” we are choosing to celebrate this little life in other ways. We will be purchasing a memory box to place important keepsakes. We plan to include the poem we wrote to announce our pregnancy, both sets of ultrasound pictures, a video of us telling Addi and Josiah we were having a baby, and a copy of this journal. We also plan to purchase a Christmas ornament specifically to honor the memory of this little one. Each year as we place it on our Christmas tree we hope to be reminded of God’s faithfulness and grace to our family. Finally, we will be celebrating the memory of this little one his or her due date. I plan to bake a little cake for our family on June 9th and again remember how our great God continues to bless us and strengthen us through his love.


Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Visit our Silent Auction Website

I just wanted to make sure to remind all of you to visit our Online Silent Auction this week.  We are excited that it is underway and we had over 1,200 hits on our website the first 24 hours.  We have over 100 items to bid on so I'm sure there is something for everyone!

Thursday, November 7, 2013

We are Pregnant and Still Adopting!


Some of the most special occasions often occur when we least expect
Surprises usually throw off our plans, but most happen without any regret
Especially if our hope is not in our own will
but in the One who has always been faithful and proves faithful still

It all boils down to perspective of who’s in control
The Lord God our Father, that’s his unchanging role!
The Bible is clear He reigns supreme
Grace and mercy are his unending theme!

Many times His blessings are more than we can fathom
And His ways for us are better than we could have ever imagined.
Sometimes it means that your plans take a detour
And you travel down a new path trusting and sure.

So today we share with you what our Mighty One has done
by creating within Amanda a new little one
Yep, that’s right, and soon you’ll see
That our kiddos, now number ONE, TWO, THREE!

I can imagine many of you have questions like “Were you trying to get pregnant?  When did you find out?  Are you still going to adopt?”

Well, I will go ahead and answer that last question very first, YES!  If you know us at all or have been keeping up with our blog then you know our choice to adopt really was not about us just having more kids. Last May I wrote a post called Why We Are Adopting.  Nothing we said in this post has changed because we found out that we are pregnant.  The symbolic nature of adoption, our calling/conviction, and the need for orphans to be adopted are not things that have changed. 
Now, many dictionaries define “conviction” as a strong belief about something, but for us it’s more, SO much more.  Our convictions are established by our understanding of the Bible and how that affects our values, commitments, and motivations- not simply our opinion about something.  I once heard a that  “A belief is something you will argue about. A conviction is something you will die for!”  I’m not sure who said this, but it has stuck with me and I feel that convictions determine our actions and conduct and they are unchanging and firm.  So, with that said, we have had, and still have, a deep conviction and desire to adopt!
So, what’s our plan?  Well, to be quite honest, we are still trying to figure that out.  Anyone who has traveled down the road of adoption knows that there are random rules and polices that you have no control over that dictate how and when you can adopt.  Our agency, CCAI, has done an excellent job compiling the basic list of qualifications needed to be able to adopt from China.  To see the entire list please click here.  http://www.ccaifamily.org/WaitingChild/WCP-Qualification.aspx
Specifically for us, there are two big qualifications that will need to be reevaluated in light of our pregnancy.
 Children at Home- The qualification to adopt stipulates that the youngest child currently in your home must be at least 12 months old at time you submit your dossier. Now, obviously, this was not an issue because Josiah is already 2 years old.  However, now there are a few additional hurdles we may need to jump through to still satisfy this qualification/requirement. 
*  Finances- The qualification to adopt from China stipulates that families must make a specific amount of annual income per household member, including the child to be adopted.  The difference for a family of five and a family of six are significantly different.  We know that in some cases exceptions can be made and sometimes they look at assets and how well the family budgets/manages money.  Either way, this is something we will just have to trust the Lord with.
Once we speak with our agency a little more and talk through a lot more specifics we will need to prayerful consider and decide between a couple different options:
Option 1:  Continue as planned with the adoption of a special needs little girl from the waiting child program. Technically, we can move forward with our home study and with preparing our dossier (in hopes of completing and submitting it prior to our baby being born the first week in June).  Typically after you submit your dossier you receive a referral of a child within 6-12 months.  Then, once you have accepted your referral you travel to China approximately 2-6 months later to complete the adoption.  This would mean, that there is a possibility we would have a 8 month old at the time we would need to travel abroad for two weeks (or more). 
Option 2:  Postpone our adoption until after having the baby in June.  We would have to close out our current application and restart the entire process next fall in hopes of submitting our dossier around baby’s 1st birthday (sometime in June of 2015) and then proceed through the adoption process just as we would have.
Option 3:  We amend our current application and paperwork and pursue the adoption of a healthy child.  We would plan to have the dossier submitted before baby is born in June; however, the referral typically takes much longer so we would most likely not go to get our sweet Chinese girl for another 5-6 years.  We are not as excited about this option because we were hoping to adopt a special needs little girl and this means that the age difference between our biological children and our adopted daughter would be very different.
Although none of these options are ideal we know that the Lord already knows what will happen and we trust that His plan is perfect.  These verses have come to our mind as we have been praying for discernment and wisdom about which route to pursue. 
Isaiah 55:8-9
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.  For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Proverbs 19:21
Many are the plans in the mind of a man,
but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.

Proverbs 16:9
The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.

As far as the silent auction, we still plan to proceed with it as scheduled for next week.  Whether we continue to move forward as planned or choose to delay the adoption the money raised will still go directly into our account and be used only for that purpose.  In addition, I have given my word to many individuals and business who have made donations that I was going to advertise for them and I want to be able to follow through on this.

Others of you may be wondering if we were trying to get pregnant.  Well, the simple answer is, we were not preventing.  After Josiah turned one year old we began trying for a little while; however, my body was showing similar symptoms as when we found out I was medically declared infertile.  After about five months we decided to start praying through adoption and not worry about if we were ever going to be able to have any other biological children.  So, in all actuality this pregnancy was a huge surprise but we are beyond thrilled at how God has chosen to bless us with another little one from my own womb.  We are very excited about this baby and very excited that in June we will be a family of 5 and hopefully not too long after that a family of 6! 

Please join us in praying for wisdom and discernment and please make sure to check back soon for an update on our decision.