Empty Arms Reflections

Well, today is June 9^th.   This is the day I had looked forward to so I could hold our baby.  After the miscarriage, this became the day I dreaded.  Of course we all know due dates are not 100% accurate, but after losing your baby you think about that date often.  It’s strange.  You are both ready for closure and not wanting another moment to pass for fear of forgetting.  You can’t help but to daydream about the what-could-have-beens.

Over the past few months I’ve been tremendously aware of other women around me who are pregnant, especially those who were due within a week or so before or after me.  I’ve noticed their beautiful growing bellies and gradual waddles. I’ve turned and walked away from those complaining of sleepless nights and rejoiced with the women who already see what a blessing their little one is even within their womb.  God has given me great comfort over the past month when others gave birth and shared picture after picture of their new bundle of joy.  God has kept my heart from bitterness and self-pity as I see older siblings loving on their new brothers or sisters. I have been genuinely happy for them.  But this doesn’t mean that I have stopped longing for my own.

Specifically over the past few weeks I’ve been thankful for great times of prayer where I’ve cried out to God to be my complete satisfaction, for me to love Him more than anything of this world, not to let me slip into the spiral of self-pity. I’ve prayed aloud a lot and I’ve even been surprised at some of the things that the Holy Spirit led me to pray.  He has helped me to remember that the kids I have are still not MY kids.  They belong to God.  My husband belongs to Him.  Everything we have belongs to HIM.  We are merely stewards of his gifts and called to care and love for others in His name.  The baby he had given us was never mine.  He never “took it away from me.”  It was HIS all along. 

God was gracious to give me a good perspective on Mother’s day this year.  I wrote a letter to Addilyn and Josiah instead of getting wrapped up in what our culture deems Mother’s Day should be about.  Here is a short excerpt with a few things that God was helping me to see rightly.

“This day is not about me! Mother’s day should be about our great God who is the author of life and who has allowed me the honor of being a mom. If it were not for the work of the Lord in my life I would be a horrible wife and mother. As you well know, Mommy has a hard time being patient and sometimes I even get angry with you. Mommy does not always say or do the right thing and many times I’m sure I set a bad example by being lazy or self-centered. However, let me tell you about Jesus. He knew that God the Father could not be in the presence of Mommy’s yucky sin but he loved me so much that he was willing to die a horrible death to make things right between Mommy and God. The only way to make things right was for Jesus to sacrifice himself on the cross. He did that because he loved ME! He loves you too and His death on the cross is your remedy for sin as well. The good news is that Jesus didn’t stay dead. He defeated Satan and death when he rose again and ascended to Heaven. When you believe this is true and choose to live your life in honor of Jesus, he sends the Holy Spirit into your heart to help you. The Holy Spirit is helping me to fight my impatience, anger, selfishness, and laziness. I’m telling you this because this is more important than ANYTHING else I can ever do for you as your mother. The gospel is the ONLY thing that will impact you for all of eternity. I can teach you how to be responsible, respectful, intelligent, beautiful, or friendly, but these qualities mean nothing compared to knowing God. I love you more than you’ll ever be able to fathom so I hope and pray that if you learn anything from me it will be how to trust the Lord with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength and how to love others greater than yourself by the grace of our Holy God.

Mother’s Day should help us remember that mom’s everywhere are shown immeasurable grace by being able to care for their children, tend to their home, prepare meals, and more. But, it’s all done by grace so we should be thankful instead of entitled.

This should be a day of thankfulness. I’m thankful for my mom, my grandmothers, and even my great-grandmother who are all still living and have influenced me in powerful ways. I’m thankful that I struggled with infertility so I can sympathize with the pain of many who are struggling to fight for joy today. I am thankful to know that our little Taylor, whom I’ll never hold because of miscarriage, is at peace with the Lord. And, again, I’m thankful for the absolute honor to be your Mommy.”

And today, on our little’s ones due date, God is continuing to comfort me.   I woke up today with a glad heart.  My husband served me well by letting me sleep a little later and then gave me time out of the house to process through things alone.  I have already received a couple text messages from friends with encouraging comments and scriptures.  One dear friend brought me a beautiful rose bush to plant in honor of Taylor.  Another friend sent me a Starbuck gift card.  And although these things have had such a tremendous impact on me to know that others care; God himself has showed me his immeasurable love through his Word and through his miraculous power.  He has comforted me in a way that that seems almost impossible, too good to be true.  He has shown me once again how much He loves me and how much I can truly trust Him.  He is sovereign and He alone has the power to give and take away.  The Holy Spirit directed me to 2 Corinthians 1:3-7 today and I pray that it will continue to ring in my ears today and everyday in the future.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.

So, although my arms are empty and there is no new baby to hold, my heart is full.  Take a moment to pray today for other moms who have lost little ones and pray that God will be as gracious to them as he has been be me.

Thankful List ~ May 2014

May 2014 Thankful List

*  This month we decided to bite the bullet and spend money getting the van serviced.  We took care of the timing belt, water pump, spark plugs, motor mount, and other stuff like an oil change.  Although it was VERY costly I am thankful to know that our vehicle is in great condition and should not have issues any time soon.

*  Some slightly older ladies in our church initiated a series of meetings called EKG- Heart Checks.  This is a once a month meeting for older women to help younger women in the church evaluate their hearts in light of the commands in Titus 2.  I am beyond thrilled about this opportunity and was overjoyed to be able to participate in the very first meeting.

*  Our small group took a retreat to a house in Virginia (provided for free from one of the families).  It was WONDERFUL!  We studied the topic of contentment together.  We searched the scriptures, read articles and poems, we prayed, and we listed to a sermon to help us think rightly.  We also had lots of free time to fellowship with one another.  We played Fris-cup (a great tailgating game invented by one of the guys in our group), we went kayaking and hiking, played games, we roasted marshmallows over a fire, and one evening we even distinguished constellations (a rare treat for us city-folk).

*  Of course the retreat would not have been relaxing or productive had the kids been with us.  This month we participated in a weekend kid swap with some friends.  They kept our two kids while we were on the retreat and we kept their three kids later in the month for their anniversary.  Our kids played great together.  Other than very minor issues it was great for everyone.  We are definitely going to be doing it again soon!

*  We took the kids in for well-check appointments at the end of April and our pediatrician discovered a heart murmur in both Addilyn and Josiah.  God gave me peace.  In fact, I’m pretty sure I even forgot to bring it up with my small group girls who I tell everything to.  At the beginning of this month we went to a pediatric cardiologist a couple of times for different tests and we were told that it is a very minor murmur and they should grow out of it.  They said that we don’t have to make any lifestyle changes, but to monitor them a little more closely when they are sick or running a fever.

My little "robot."

*  This month Addi got stung by a bee TWICE and although this may not seem like something to be thankful for, it is because now I know she is not allergic!  When a bee stings me I swell up really bad so it was good to be with her to monitor her closely when it happened.

*  We started reading a book as a small group call Total Church by Steve Timmis.  It has been so good.  I have really enjoyed the perspective it discusses and it has been encouraging to see that many of the concepts it presents we have been striving for already.

*  I had a great time of fellowship with a friend from church this month.   We spent a couple hours washing her patio windows and just talking about life.  It was such a sweet nourishing time and I’m thankful my husband lets me get out and have ladies time every so often.

*  We made a decision that Josh and I will be celebrating our 10^th Anniversary by visiting Denver Colorado.  Friend offering her home so we have a free place to stay. 

I had a sweet Mothers Day with the kids.  Josh had to work but I enjoyed time with the kids and I was thankful that God showed me grace to have a good perspective and not have a pity party in light of the miscarriage.

*  I am VERY thankful that my little Josiah-man is now potty trained!!!  Potty training is my least favorite part of parenting (well, up until this point we don’t have middle-schoolers yet).  However, God showed us lots of grace.  He rarely has accidents now and I am just so thankful for how quickly he picked up on everything.

*  Josh met with one of our Pastors and was able to gain a lot of clarity about potential future options.  We are praying through these options and are hoping God will give us great wisdom and discernment as we have some big decisions to make.

*  I’m thankful for the TCC Women’s event Grace Filled Expressions.     I went to a session on canning and since then I’ve made quite a few jars of strawberry and blackberry jam.  The kids and I went strawberry picking and we also found a black berry bush in our neighborhood so we have had a lot of fun with learning new things.

*  I had a wonderful date night with one of my closest girlfriends.  We ate at newer downtown restaurant, walked around the city, and just had some great conversation.  It was wonderful!

*  As usual I’m also very thankful for my funny kiddos.  Here are just a few things that happened that are worth sharing.

*  Josiah rode his horsey through the grocery store one morning and yelled, “Giddy up” and “whoa” the entire time.  He even stopped and asked strangers, “You wanna pet my horsey?”

*  Josiah got very creative in waking us up in the mornings.  One day he came in saying, “cock-a-doodle-doo.”  A few days later he crawled in bed with us and just started kissing my face over and over and over again.  One morning he decided to tickle me.  The next day he came in with his blanket over his head and just stood beside the bed saying, “I hiding.”  The most recent and the one that made me laugh the most was when he crawled on top of me and whispered in a sing-songy voice, “Do you want to build a snowman?”  Oh, my word- this kid is hysterical but needless to say we’ve started locking our door.

*  We went back to the rose garden a few times.  I captured this sweet picture.  I could not believe how grown up Addi looked with her legs crossed.  It just blew my mind.

*  One night after dinner we let the kids have ice cream cones for dessert.  After 4-5 minutes Josiah looks at me with the most serious face and says, “Mommy, I wuv ice keam.”

*  Addilyn is my little planner.  One morning she woke up and said “Daddy, what are we going to do today?  What you think.”  When he did not immediately give her the schedule of day she turned and asked me, “Well, Mommy, what you figure?”

*  Addi also picked me a yellow dandelion and put it in a vase with water.  Funny enough, it re-bloomed for 5 days!  Each night it closed up and looked dead, but every morning it would be open, bright, and yellow again.  So fun!