Empty Arms Reflections

Well, today is June 9^th.   This is the day I had looked forward to so I could hold our baby.  After the miscarriage, this became the day I dreaded.  Of course we all know due dates are not 100% accurate, but after losing your baby you think about that date often.  It’s strange.  You are both ready for closure and not wanting another moment to pass for fear of forgetting.  You can’t help but to daydream about the what-could-have-beens.

Over the past few months I’ve been tremendously aware of other women around me who are pregnant, especially those who were due within a week or so before or after me.  I’ve noticed their beautiful growing bellies and gradual waddles. I’ve turned and walked away from those complaining of sleepless nights and rejoiced with the women who already see what a blessing their little one is even within their womb.  God has given me great comfort over the past month when others gave birth and shared picture after picture of their new bundle of joy.  God has kept my heart from bitterness and self-pity as I see older siblings loving on their new brothers or sisters. I have been genuinely happy for them.  But this doesn’t mean that I have stopped longing for my own.

Specifically over the past few weeks I’ve been thankful for great times of prayer where I’ve cried out to God to be my complete satisfaction, for me to love Him more than anything of this world, not to let me slip into the spiral of self-pity. I’ve prayed aloud a lot and I’ve even been surprised at some of the things that the Holy Spirit led me to pray.  He has helped me to remember that the kids I have are still not MY kids.  They belong to God.  My husband belongs to Him.  Everything we have belongs to HIM.  We are merely stewards of his gifts and called to care and love for others in His name.  The baby he had given us was never mine.  He never “took it away from me.”  It was HIS all along. 

God was gracious to give me a good perspective on Mother’s day this year.  I wrote a letter to Addilyn and Josiah instead of getting wrapped up in what our culture deems Mother’s Day should be about.  Here is a short excerpt with a few things that God was helping me to see rightly.

“This day is not about me! Mother’s day should be about our great God who is the author of life and who has allowed me the honor of being a mom. If it were not for the work of the Lord in my life I would be a horrible wife and mother. As you well know, Mommy has a hard time being patient and sometimes I even get angry with you. Mommy does not always say or do the right thing and many times I’m sure I set a bad example by being lazy or self-centered. However, let me tell you about Jesus. He knew that God the Father could not be in the presence of Mommy’s yucky sin but he loved me so much that he was willing to die a horrible death to make things right between Mommy and God. The only way to make things right was for Jesus to sacrifice himself on the cross. He did that because he loved ME! He loves you too and His death on the cross is your remedy for sin as well. The good news is that Jesus didn’t stay dead. He defeated Satan and death when he rose again and ascended to Heaven. When you believe this is true and choose to live your life in honor of Jesus, he sends the Holy Spirit into your heart to help you. The Holy Spirit is helping me to fight my impatience, anger, selfishness, and laziness. I’m telling you this because this is more important than ANYTHING else I can ever do for you as your mother. The gospel is the ONLY thing that will impact you for all of eternity. I can teach you how to be responsible, respectful, intelligent, beautiful, or friendly, but these qualities mean nothing compared to knowing God. I love you more than you’ll ever be able to fathom so I hope and pray that if you learn anything from me it will be how to trust the Lord with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength and how to love others greater than yourself by the grace of our Holy God.

Mother’s Day should help us remember that mom’s everywhere are shown immeasurable grace by being able to care for their children, tend to their home, prepare meals, and more. But, it’s all done by grace so we should be thankful instead of entitled.

This should be a day of thankfulness. I’m thankful for my mom, my grandmothers, and even my great-grandmother who are all still living and have influenced me in powerful ways. I’m thankful that I struggled with infertility so I can sympathize with the pain of many who are struggling to fight for joy today. I am thankful to know that our little Taylor, whom I’ll never hold because of miscarriage, is at peace with the Lord. And, again, I’m thankful for the absolute honor to be your Mommy.”

And today, on our little’s ones due date, God is continuing to comfort me.   I woke up today with a glad heart.  My husband served me well by letting me sleep a little later and then gave me time out of the house to process through things alone.  I have already received a couple text messages from friends with encouraging comments and scriptures.  One dear friend brought me a beautiful rose bush to plant in honor of Taylor.  Another friend sent me a Starbuck gift card.  And although these things have had such a tremendous impact on me to know that others care; God himself has showed me his immeasurable love through his Word and through his miraculous power.  He has comforted me in a way that that seems almost impossible, too good to be true.  He has shown me once again how much He loves me and how much I can truly trust Him.  He is sovereign and He alone has the power to give and take away.  The Holy Spirit directed me to 2 Corinthians 1:3-7 today and I pray that it will continue to ring in my ears today and everyday in the future.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.

So, although my arms are empty and there is no new baby to hold, my heart is full.  Take a moment to pray today for other moms who have lost little ones and pray that God will be as gracious to them as he has been be me.