Postponed Dreams and Continued Faith In God's Plan

I’ve been pondering for awhile about how goals and dreams play into the life of a Christian.  I’m confident that you can have a secure identity in Christ, have your hope set fully on Him, while simultaneously strive to achieve worthy goals and dreams.  The key is being able to maintain a firm grasp on the gospel and remember the bigger picture when you discover you may not be able to achieve your goals and dreams.  How you respond when faced with unmet expectations reveals a lot about if your goals and dreams have become idols within your heart. 

At the end of December I began reflecting on the past 12 months and, despite all of our blessings and reasons to rejoice, I was a little saddened when I thought about all the things we had planned on accomplishing...but didn’t.  Last January, Josh and I had made the decision to move forward in both the adoption process and in church planting process.

I’ve obviously written quite a bit about the adoption, but on this particular blog I have not shared a lot about our desire to church plant.  We have had the desire to be in full time ministry for many years.  Throughout this past year we had wonderful discussions between ourselves, people interested in possibly church planting with us, and with some of our pastors.  Josh was able to begin some initial brainstorming and planning but nothing was ever actually put in to motion.  

One reason we didn’t move forward was because we have been very divided in how we spent our money.  Ideally, we would like to church plant with no other debt other than a mortgage payment.  Although we’ve been faithfully making payments we have quite a bit of school loans left to pay off.  Even though we had debt we went ahead and started the adoption process because of the counsel we were given from several families.  They said, "If you know this is what you are called to, just step out in faith, and God will provide."  They were right, God does provide!  However, what we failed to remember is that He doesn't always provide in the same way for all people, nor does He always provide in the timeframe we expect.  Some of the individuals who were giving us counsel to move forward raised significant amounts of money in really short periods of time.  I am thankful the Lord provided for them in that way, but He did not choose to make our fundraising efforts come as easily or as quickly.  Instead, God taught us a lot about himself and trusting that His ways are better than our ways.   As we officially began our adoption journey we recognized that we were going to need to raise most of the money.  Also, because of timing constraints with paperwork and fees, we wanted to raise enough to get us through the home study before investing in any of the initial application fees to our agency. We recognized that to complete the adoption in the time frame we wanted we had to put every spare penny into our adoption account and make minimum payments on our other loans until after the adoption was complete.  I spent nine months doing five very time consuming fundraisers and in September I started babysitting approximately 35 hours a week to earn extra cash.  To this day we still have only raised $7,000 towards our adoption.  This is both exciting and discouraging.  Exciting because we finally have enough for the initial agency fees and the home study.  Discouraging because we still have to come up with a LOT more money to complete the adoption.  And on that note, we had some dear friends contact us the first week of January who have a desire to give financially towards our adoption on a regular basis.  Their generosity has greatly encouraged our hearts.

In addition to finances, many of our other resources were divided.   As I was evaluating 2013, I began to realize that anytime Josh and I had spent time together we had always focused on either adoption or church planting.  Evening conversations and dates typically were about one of the two.  We also spent a lot of time this year going out of the house to work on research or filling out paperwork while the other parent cared for the kids. This obviously meant we spent less time together as an entire family.

Then came the miscarriage…

Prior to getting pregnant in the fall, I did not have a burning desire to have another biological child.  In fact, I thought we might be done for two reasons.  First, I didn't think we could get pregnant again without fertility treatments. Second, we had always wanted to adopt and wanted to do it so our kids could be close in age.  So, when we got pregnant last fall it was a HUGE surprise and instantly the Lord softened our hearts and we were thrilled to grow our family through another biological child.  We had decided to postpone the adoption for a short season.  However, when we lost the baby because of the miscarriage I was so sad.  Obviously.  Since then, I haven't been able to shake the feeling that God was using that little one to change my heart.  Ever since, I've have had this new longing, a deep desire to have another biological child.  This is really confusing, as you can imagine.  We have been processing this for the past three months.  At first I just thought it was a stage of grief and I would desire a biological baby less as time passed.  But, as each day passes, that desire has deepened, not faded. 

All this to say, since the first week of January we have been praying about postponing the adoption for a few years.  To even type these words out makes me so sad.  I know it's not the same as a miscarriage, but by postponing the adoption, I feel like I'm losing another child who I've been envisioning over the 9 months.

In the meantime we can pay off debt, pursue church planting or other avenues of full time ministry, and possibly try to have another biological baby.

So, for those of you who pray, please pray for us. I’m tempted to believe that others will judge us for postponing the adoption, for desiring another biological child, for having debt, or that those who have contributed to our adoption will question us about the money we have raised.  The money is currently in a private savings account.  We do plan on keeping the money in this account so it will be drawing interest and unable to be used for anything other than adoption.  We are also still accepting donations that will go directly into that savings account and not to be used for any other purpose.  In the future, when the time is right for our family, our hope is that we can start the adoption process much more quickly.  In addition, we recognize that others who are adopting are also in need of financial support.  We plan to give a portion to some other families who are currently in the adoption process.  We completely understand that this money was given to us by God through the generosity of others and so we want to be wise with it and steward it well by both sharing and saving.

So, this is where we are as a family.  We are realizing that many of our goals and dreams are not attainable in the time frame we had hoped and now we are trusting that the Lord’s plan for our life is better than what we can imagine for ourselves.  I heard a pastor say one time that God usually answers prayers in one of three ways, “Yes,”  “No,” or “Not Right Now.”  I KNOW that we will be adopting someday, but we are pretty certain that the Lord is telling us “Not Right Now.”

Although this is not what we had planned we still trust that His plan better than our own.   I am encouraged that even with the postponement of some of our dreams and goals, our faith and hope are still secure in Christ.  I’m confident that this is an evidence of God’s grace in our lives.  I’m thankful that despite this detour we can still be content in where God has us while actively making steps in faith.  Please continue praying for us and for our journey!

Thankful List ~ December 2013

December 2013 Thankful List

* God has given me so much joy in watching my children learn and grow this month. I feel like I have been able to just spend time and enjoy them recently and I am so thankful for that. Many of the other things I am thankful for this month have to do with our two little blessings, Addilyn and Josiah.
* When we were decorating the Christmas tree I was trying to take pictures of our fun. Josiah was so excited he kept running in front of the camera and saying "CHEESE." I now have a dozen or so pictures of my little ham. I'm thankful for his fun (sometimes extremely silly) personality.
*Josiah has also started talking and singing so much more. He is one of those rare kids who talk back to the television show when they ask a question. For example, when he is watching Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood and Daniel Tiger asks, "Would you like to help me today?" Josiah get so excited and yells, "Yeah!" When they ask a question about where something is he will not only yell the answer aloud out but he'll get off the couch and run to the T.V. to point to the correct thing. Because he is finally starting to communicate better with his words, this is so rewarding to me (even if it means I have lots of little finger prints and hand prints to wipe off the television screen).
* I'm thankful for our wonderful neighborhood. We have sweet neighbors who I've loved getting to know better over the past 2 1/2 years. They are such a blessing and encouragement to us. This month our neighborhood was lit up with beautiful displays of lights and Christmas trees in windows. Friends brought us cookies and cards and it reminded me how thankful I am for our sweet neighbors.
* I'm thankful for our preschool cohort and the privilege to teach the children stories from the bible. This month, in addition to the typical advent study and story of Jesus' birth, we were learning about Moses. We did some really fun activities and crafts as well as put on a play (which I video taped and made into a movie trailer)!
*I love watching Josh play with the kids. He often spends time wrestling with them on the floor or playing hide and seek and it melts my heart to see how much of an active daddy he is (even during seasons when his is working 100+ hours in a 9 day stretch without a day off). What's really amazing to me is that he is not afraid to be sensitive and loving towards his kids despite the cultural trends of absent or uninvolved fathers. I'm convinced my husband is the best father on the planet!
*I'm thankful that we got to take Addilyn to get her very first haircut. She was nervous and excited. We did not get much taken off but it was still a sweet moment for this momma's heart.
* I am thankful for a friend who is a notary and is willing to come over and show us where to sign all the important documents as we are moving forward with the adoption.  My husband really enjoys spending time with him and this makes for another great excuse to hang out.
*I'm thankful we can laugh at our kids when they are acting their age and not deliberately being disobedient. For example, one evening this month we had a friend come over who had never been to our house before. We were eating dinner and trying to have good conversation. Then, all of a sudden, Addi reaches over, picks up an entire handful of food and throws it directly in Josh's face.  He was completely flabbergasted not to mention covered in tortilla, shredded lettuce, and cheese. I could not control my self, I burst into fits of giggles. I typically can control my laughter and instruct the kids concerning appropriate behavior, but for some reason (maybe because we had company) I could not pull myself together. What in the world made her think that was a good idea? I have no clue. We've never had to even approach the issue of throwing food. It's never come up. It's never been a problem. Josh did a great job informing our little 3 year old that throwing food is rude behavior and that we never throw food, especially at other people.
* I'm thankful for insurance. Josh's back recently was hurting worse than it ever had before so we started sending him to the chiropractor. His appointments included X-rays, massages, laser treatments, and adjustments. However, since we had met our family deductible for the year, these appointments only cost us $16.
* I'm also thankful for coupons. When I went to order Christmas presents online I placed an online order that would have cost me $403.60 however because I have been entering codes for coupons all year long towards my account with this company and because I qualified for free shipping I only paid $35.13! This means I saved $368.47!
* I'm thankful to live in Raleigh! I love our city. This month we had to cancel preschool for a couple days because of little ones getting sick but we were able to take spontaneous and free field trips to the science museum and to the library. We also drove downtown at night on many occasions to look at the beautiful lights and trees decorating the city's streets.
* I'm thankful for our "family" away from family. December is always a month filled with fun celebrations. This month the kids were invited to an ornament making party.  We had an amazing time with other leaders of our church at two different functions. I had a wonderful time at a friend's holiday tea party and a relaxing day with my small group ladies Christmas movie marathon. Our small group also had its annual party and white elephant gift exchange. We celebrated the season with another couple by going on a double-date to Dave 'n Busters and had an absolute blast.  We were able to have Christmas Eve dinner and dinner on Christmas day with several of our favorite people in the whole wide world. In addition, we had a super-fun, and family-friendly, New Years Eve party. We are so blessed to have such amazing friends to celebrate life with!
* We are thankful for babysitters (some who volunteer their time) so that we can do fun things together and with friends.* Last but not least, our bedtime routine. Yes, I'm thankful for our bedtime routine. Each night as we lay our kids to bed we read a bible story and maybe a library book or two, and then we sing songs. Recently the music line up has been Before the Throne of God Above, Jesus Loves Me, My God is so Big, Amazing Grace, Holy Holy Holy, and wait for it...Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. :) As if hearing my little ones try to sing the sometimes unidentifiable words to the hymns isn't sweet enough, the part that makes my heart melt is what happens when I tuck them in. First we do hugs, then kisses, and then "hugga-muggas" (Eskimo kisses). Next comes high fives, fist pounds, and "squeezes" (where we squeeze one another's hand three times while saying "I love you MORE").  Instead, Josiah likes to say, "I love you ROAR" (while  roaring, of course). Finally we wrap up with a series of really silly things like fishy kisses, "honk-honkers" (pushing one anthers' noses and making silly honking sounds), tickles, blowing raspberries, and "pushes" (where they push me away as I make a dramatic slow-motion explosion to stand up). I know, who thinks of these things right? As I close their door we yell to one another things like, "Nighty, nighty, night-night" or "Love you to the moon and back." Now, this doesn't mean that 10 minutes later, or let's be real, 2 minutes later they won't come bounding out of their bedroom as if they just had 10 hours of wonderful sleep, but at least I've gotten a good fill of cuddles, kisses, and "I love you"s form my most treasured little blessings.

Thankful List ~ November 2013

November 2013 Thankful List

* In October we were so thankful to learn the Lord had allowed us to get pregnant again, but at that time we were not sharing with very many people.  We were excited towards the beginning of November to start sharing the news of our pregnancy with family and friends.
* I was excited to give my husband an early Christmas present (tickets to the UGA/ FL game in Jacksonville).  He got to ride down with some great friends and enjoy an incredibly exciting game.  The kids and I watched from home and had a great time "looking for Daddy."
* We are thankful for how the Lord blessed us through our online Silent Auction!  For all the details check out this post.
* This month we are most grateful for a sovereign God who comforts and gives peace to hurting hearts.  We found out we had miscarried on November 19th and I struggled for the rest of the month with medical complications.  God was so gracious to comfort us through revealing his promises in His word and through the love, service, and sacrifice of so many individuals within our church.  We are so grateful for these friends who brought us meals and watched our kids and prayed for us a lot.  For more about what God taught us during this season you can read our two posts Heartbroken Yet Hopeful and An Unusual Advent Season.

* We are thankful for Josh’s job and those that he works with who were willing to let him take off of work to be with me during several important doctor's appointments.
* I'm thankful that no one ever asks "How old were you when you were potty trained?"  I know this sounds silly, but we began potty training Josiah at the beginning of the month and it was not going very well.  After having the miscarriage we decide to postpone potty training for another month or two.
*I loved cooking with Addilyn Thanksgiving morning and watching Josiah get very excited about the balloons in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade.  This was such a sweet time for me this month.

Online Silent Auction Update

For all those who have been waiting to hear the final results of our silent auction, here are the highlights:
* We had a total of 112 items listed!
* We had 39 businesses or friends donate at least one item!
* We averaged about 2,250 website views per day!
* 90 items sold!
* I shipped items to 16 different states!
* Although we had quite a few winning bidders who did not pay for their items, I had several individuals who had been outbid still purchase the items at their starting bid.  This was very helpful!
* We ended up raising $1,894.57!

Thank you to everyone who helped by either donating items, purchasing items, or even advertising for us!  We really appreciate it!

An Unusual Advent Season

God is in the ordinary but he radiates in the unexpected and unusual.

The bible is full of stories about ordinary and everyday people who have unexpected and unusual things happen to them.  Those individuals who become our biblical heroes are the ones who take those odd circumstances and trust in a sovereign God who is creative beyond anything we can imagine and who knows just how he is going to work all those rare and bizarre events into HIS perfect redemption story.

This Advent season like many Christians, I’ve naturally been drawn to the story of Jesus’s mother, Mary.  I could pretend that our store bought nativity scene perfectly illustrates what actually happened on the night of our Savior’s birth.  I usually imagine, the way so many of us do, that everything was easy and every thing worked out perfectly for Mary and Joseph.  But if I did this, I would miss so much about the real story of what happened.

Mary was a young lady from a humble family.  She was betrothed to a man named Joseph.  An angel was sent to her to tell her that she had been chosen by God to give birth to the Messiah even though she was a virgin.  Unexpected and unusual, I would say so!

The first “problem” was that Mary was betrothed and pregnant.  In their culture, betrothal involved official arrangements.  Joseph and Mary had already entered into a legal contract and were basically waiting on the wedding ceremony. At this time, they were already referred to as husband and wife but they were not considered “married” so any sexual relations was considered immoral and any unfaithfulness during this time was considered adultery.  Under Mosaic Law she could have been divorced and stoned because of this pregnancy.

Another obstacle is that Caesar Augustus sent out the decree for everyone under Roman rule to be registered for tax purposes.  Because Joseph was from Bethlehem, he and Mary had to begin their journey.  Typically, travelling this distance would take about 4-5 days, however; it is estimated that it likely took them a week or longer because Mary was so far along in the pregnancy.

Once they got to Bethlehem so many others had already arrived that there was no room for them at the inn.  The only place they could find to rest was with the animals, likely a stable, since scripture indicates that a “manger” (or a feeding trough) was the only place to lay Jesus after his birth.  If I really stop to think what that scene actually looked like, I’m sure I would not see the well-groomed cows, horses and sheep as depicted in our nativity scenes.  I would guess that Mary had a pretty uncomfortable labor as she laid on dirt and hay and smelled animal feces.  I can imagine Joseph, a first-time dad, struggling to comfort Mary as she had contractions and taking care of her after she delivered the baby.  I can imagine Mary (a young teenager) trying to figure out how to nurse and care for her newborn while trying to heal from labor.  Of course all of this is speculation, but the point is that Jesus, although He was perfect, was not born into a perfect world.  He was born into a world filled with pain, sorrow, disappointment, frustration, unmet expectations, and more.

But God knew every detail.  He is the author of every single thing that took place.  God gave Joseph grace and compassion to love Mary and trust her even though the circumstances did not make sense.  Many prophecies were fulfilled because Jesus’s earthly father was Joseph, a descendant of David and Abraham.  God orchestrated all the events which led to Caser ordering the decree which forced Joseph and Mary to return to Bethlehem and fulfill yet another prophecy about the birthplace of the Messiah.  God may not have provided the place or circumstances for Jesus’s delivery that Mary and Joseph wanted or even imagined. However, He provided for their needs.   God surprised the whole world with the unexpected way in which the King of Kings and Lord of Lord was brought into the world.  And how unusual that God choose to announce the arrival of Jesus to the lowly shepherds before anyone else!

Now, considering our recent circumstances, and the loss of our baby, I could read this story and dive into self-pity in which I focus on how I will never be able to hold my baby or be able to shower him/her with kisses.  But, instead I must focus my mind on a mighty God who knows all things and whose plan is perfect (even if it doesn’t seem ideal to me).  Over the past three weeks I have hurt more deeply than I ever have before, but I can be thankful.  I can be thankful because when God is doing unexpected and unusual things in my life, I know He is at work!  He is strengthening my faith and deepening my trust in Him!

In my last post I had shared about our anxiousness prior to the D&C and now I want to share with you a little of what we’ve been through since having the procedure.  Most women who need a D&C after a miscarriage recover from the procedure approximately 24-48 hours afterwards.   For me, however, it’s been anything but what was predicted.  I had the initial procedure on Friday, November 22^nd.  The very next day, I was in so much pain we called the on-call doctor for my obgyn.  He asked me to immediately come into the office because my symptoms sounded as if they had punctured my uterus (and possibly my small intestines) during the D&C.  I called Josh who was able to get off of work. I called several neighbors who quick volunteered to watch my kiddos and one who drove me across town to the doctor’s office. 

As Josh and I sat on the sidewalk outside the locked office building waiting on my doctor to meet us, I realized…my life is so unusual.  I’ve always known this, but in this moment it really hit me.  Things don’t ever go as I have them planned…EVER.

As we weaved through the dark hallways passing empty exam rooms, I imagined the number of women who had sat in those very rooms and heard unexpected news.  Certainly many women had heard good news and others the same horrifying news I had heard earlier that week. But, in all these moments, God knew.

I lay on the ultra sound table.  Here I was, yet again, being poked and prodded.  A doctor, who I completely trust, searched for an answer to the problem.  However, even with years of schooling and even more years of experience he was unable to answer the question about what was causing me so much pain.   Again, I was comforted by an echoing whisper in my head- “I know what is wrong. I am the only One who truly has the power to heal. Trust me.”

The cramping gradually got better.  However a week later, I was still bleeding excessively.  I called the doctor and they immediately had me come back in.  After another set of extensive exams, my doctor concluded I had severe blood clots and needed to be put on medicine equivalent to Pitocin (which basically brings on and strengthens labor contractions during childbirth).  They hoped that it would cause my uterus to contract enough to push everything out "naturally."  He said this would be very painful (especially since usually women who receive Pitocin typically also get an epidural for the pain). He also told me that if this did not work I would need a 2^nd D&C.  Fortunately, he gave me another medication to help me manage the pain.  I obviously could not take this when watching the kids during the day or when planning to drive, but I could take it in the evenings so I could sleep.  By the end of this appointment I was beginning to get frustrated.  I was just so ready for "normal life" to resume because I was so sick of the constant physical reminders of the miscarriage.  Those few days were rather difficult, but God gave me what I needed to endure.  Tomorrow I go back (for hopefully my last appointment) and whatever news I hear, I pray that like Mary, my response to my rare and unusual circumstances will be pleasing to the Lord. 

When Mary was told she was the one chosen to give life to the Savior of the world, this is how she responded according to Luke 1:46-49, “My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant. From now on all generations will call me blessed, for the Mighty One has done great things for me—holy is his name.”

In addition, this gives me great joy to know that my God is working in the life of our little girl in China.  She is most definitely going to have a testimony of God working in unexpected and unusual ways.  I’m excited to see what God has in store for her and I’m anxiously waiting the day He brings us into her life!

Here’s another amazing thing, you are special and unique too.  God has not written the story for you that you think he has. God is in the ordinary but he radiates in the unexpected and unusual.  He will use you in a mighty way, if you are willing.  Take those unexpected and unusual circumstances that arise and choose to honor the Lord. 

The term advent means "coming.”  This world and everything in it revolves around the two periods of waiting for Christ to come 1) The long-awaited birth of the Messiah and 2) How we are currently waiting for His return to earth.  We must keep this perspective!  We must fight the temptation to believe that the world revolves around us.  We must choose to be thankful for a God who works in unexpected and unusual ways.  This advent season I challenge you to focus on the 2^nd coming of Jesus, be thankful that every promise God has ever made he has kept.  Trust and wait with full confidence that Jesus will keep his promise to come again when we least expect him!