Why anyone would want to subject himself or herself to a
roller coaster, I’m not sure. It seems
to defy all logic and reason but alas here I was this week on an unexpected exhilarating
ride. The dramatic extremes of the
anxious climbs, an anticipatory rush, and the fear of the upcoming plunges
initiated both great joy and intense heartbreak. The triple twists made my stomach flip and
the painful corkscrews made my eyes water a time or two. Yes, this week I’ve been on a wide ride of a
roller coaster and yet it was all taking place simply in the confines of my own
heart.
So, as I bare my heart I ask for continued prayers. For every challenge I’ve faced this week I’ve
seen God faithfully demonstrate his goodness, kindness, and mercy.
Since Monday I’ve experienced excitement about a future
possibility for our family and anxiousness about all the unknowns that are
inevitable with change. I’ve had a
friend say some hurt-full things but have been able to see the Spirit move in
my heart to help me to forgive quickly.
I injured my back and have been struggling with severe discomfort yet I
have seen my husband take steps to love and serve me in ways I could not
imagine. Through phone calls I was glad
to offer comfort to a family member who’s experiencing a hard time and to a
friend who is battling to believe truth but I was left longing and wishing I
could do more to help them both. I’ve
experienced the nervousness that naturally comes when close family member is
about to undergo a very dangerous operation and the peace that comes with
praying to a sovereign God who has the power over life and death.
Today, October 15th, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss
Remembrance Day. This is a day set aside
to honor those who’ve struggled with the loss through a miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or the death of a newborn. One of my most dear friends in the
entire world texted me today to let me know this, and to let me know that she
was thinking and praying for me. For
about the 10th time this week (and, yes, I know it’s only Wednesday)
I was moved to tears. The chief reason
was not because of our loss, but primarily because of her thoughtfulness. What she did not know is that one year ago
TODAY Josh and I had discovered that we were pregnant. We had no clue what the next 12 months would
look like. Had we foreseen that 6 weeks
later would we experience a miscarriage I would not be the woman that God has
shaped me into.
Josh recently taught on John 15 where Jesus says, “I
am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in me that
does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he
prunes, that it may bear more fruit.” I’m
thankful that as one of His children I’m counted worthy to be pruned. Of course, I don’t wish challenges upon
myself, but I’m thankful that in the midst of pruning I am never separated from
the True Vine (Jesus) and that the Vinedresser (God the Father) knows exactly what
is best for me. Jesus said in Matthew
22:37-39, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all
your soul and with all your mind. This
is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love
your neighbor as yourself.” In
addition, Andrew Murray states in his work Abide in Christ, “A fruit bearing
tree lives not for itself, but wholly for those to whom its fruit brings
refreshment and life. And so the branch
exists only and entirely for the sake of the fruit. To make glad the heart of the (vinedresser)
is its object, its safety, and its glory.”
So, if
I am letting these things penetrate my heart I can be thankful for a difficult
week full of ups and downs because ultimately it’s not really about ME. I can be joyful in the midst of minor pruning
and even in the memories of painful close-to-the-vine kind of pruning. Most importantly, I can say with confidence
and joy that I am grateful for a God who is steady, reliable, and sure even in
the midst of unpredictable circumstances, irrational pregnancy mood swings, and
an all around “roller-coaster” of a week.
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